January 6

 Its hard to believe, I’ve spent a week trying to find some words about this. Something to express the imprint that was branded on my soul, there are none. In life, some things can’t be put into words. Try though we may, some things can only be felt. You can spend years writing hundreds of pages on the topic, exercising every word in any language understood. Nothing ever quite feels right, nothing does it. There is no justice that can properly portray the experience, because it was just that, an experience. Certain experiences, you simply know or you don’t know. If you don’t know, you won’t until you experience it; if you ever do. That must be rich coming from a writer, but who else would know better? Someone who has spent every free moment of the last sixteen years writing away about everything and anything. That’s one of the beautiful tragedies, some things are beyond words, even comprehension.

In seven years of this I’ve filled a dozen canvases and written well over a thousand pages, most of which will never see the light of day. This journey, this experience, its indescribable. I mean that in the best and worst ways. Sure I could say the entire story, recount every detail, and you would be shocked and appalled; it still wouldn’t fail to convey reality. Ironically, the heater went out in the middle of the night. On the morning of I woke up with my blood frozen. It was poetically perfect, but even a frozen wasteland couldn’t accurately depict this. You’d think?

Waking up to bones chilled, waiting to see your breath in the air only to remember you’re already dead. Shivering with every movement because functioning is torturous and cruel. Entire body stiff and rigid like a corpse walking among the living. Thoughts reverberate in a cold seared mind, unable to focus. Fingers break off from just being pressed together. Being trapped in the ice so long, you don’t even know the year anymore. Thawed out unable to grasp how much time has passed but forced to move forward with it. The ice was more inviting than a thoughtless overdeveloped world. Yet even the coldest, darkest corner of the globe can’t compare to a closed room in direct sunlight.

I simply don’t know anymore, but I can’t stop.